Wednesday, October 19, 2011

{.to love is to be vulnerable.}

I have been focusing on this thought all day. It's so applicable to what I've been dealing with. This blog is going to be very honest, so bear with me! I've been fighting bitterness this past week. I've been hurt and instead of letting the hurt go, I've been trying to fix things. The more I've tried to fix things, the worse situations got. The hurt in my heart has become so deep that I'm ashamed to admit it, but I began to shut people out. I was so scared of getting hurt again I figured the safest thing to do was to just stop caring about anyone. And for those of you who don't know me, that's not like me at all. I usually love making new friends and being there for them. I didn't realize how deep this bitterness was cutting until the other day as I was talking to my mom. I actually said to her that I didn't want any new friends. I didn't want to get close to anyone else because I have learned that even the nicest people end up hurting you in the end. Can you say pessimist to the max?! ahh I'm ashamed to even admit those words came out of my mouth. God commands me to love others as He loves, and here I am shutting out everyone around me because I'm afraid of getting hurt. All week I've been trying to figure out how to make things right. Well today I came across this thought from C.S.  Lewis. He is describing exactly what I've been doing...locking up my heart so no one dares break it. But then he says that even thought locking up my heart will keep it from being broken, it will change me in a different way. I'm not sure I want my heart to become "impenetrable" or "irredeemable." A friend told me once that I can't allow what others do to me steal away my sweetness. I don't want a heart of stone.God calls us to love as He loves. How many times have I broken God's heart? Too many to count. As long as God loves me with that amazing selfless love, I will strive to love others the same. God doesn't call us to love in order to get anything in return, but to love selflessly. People will always fail us...that's to be expected. But I refuse to stop loving because of my own selfishness. If friendships don't work out, then I will choose to give it to the Lord. But I promise as a friend that I will always be there for those I care about. Whether you choose to be a decent friend and be there for me or not is your choice. But this bitterness and selfishness in my heart will not remain and will no longer control me! "To love is to be vulnerable." I have to go out there and take the risk of loving. No matter what the outcome might be! God commands it!

Ok, maybe now I will be able to focus and get some studying done. Love you all and God bless. =)

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