There are days in which I look around and all I see is beauty. I can talk to a homeless man on the street and feel nothing but love and compassion. I can walk outside on a rainy day and smile and dance and twirl--just because I can.
But then...oh, but then there are those days that come creeping in. Those days in which I feel nothing but coldness. I have no room in my heart to love how I should. I feel uncomfortable and annoyed and alone.
I have been praying about this a lot lately. Confused about how I can feel so full of joy and life one minute and so worn out and sick the next. I have begun to realize that how I feel doesn't have to do so much with circumstances as it does with the depths of my heart.
What we allow to live in our hearts will become what we live for.
I was driving home the other night; it was late, dark, and rainy. It was just me and God in the front seat of the car. I had the radio on and a song of praise came on that I couldn't help but sing along to--at the top of my lungs might I add. Those moments happen a lot for me. Singing praises to God as loud as I can, dancing around my room with so much joy in my heart that I feel as if I could burst. It has been in these moments the last few weeks that I have really become aware of what I have been harboring in my heart.
Although I have been able to experience the love and forgiveness and hope that comes from knowing Christ, I still have a whole lot of ugly hiding away inside my heart and mind. There are rugged pieces of shame. There are sharp little fragments of insecurities. There are shreds of doubt telling me that I'm not good enough. Negativity. Lies. Compromise. Selfishness. Loneliness. Fear. Bitterness. My heart has had these ugly, nasty pieces hiding away just making me physically sick and emotionally drained. And what made matters worse was that instead of trying to rid my heart of these things, I was feeding them. Sure, I was feeding the good parts too, but it's surprising how much more attention the ugly pieces get than the good pieces.
I want to be sold out for Christ. I want to be burning with that joy and love and hope and peace with every fiber of my being. I want to feed these things so much that there is no room in my heart for the ugly pieces to survive.
Whatever I focus my time, energy, and thoughts on, and what I surround myself with are going to come out in my attitude and mindset every morning when I wake up. It's time to decide, and I choose to go down the path that will draw me closer to Christ. The path that will let others see Himself shining bright through me. Oh, how I will never tire of the freedom God shows to me time and time again...
Freedom to twirl and dance and sing and be
full of joy.
Let now our hearts burn with a flame, a fire consuming all for your Son's holy name.
-Hillsong United, "Saviour King"